Sometimes we make them. Sometimes we know immediately that we’ve made a bigger pile up than we realized. I had this happen the other day. As soon as I sent a text, I got a reply back that hit me in the gut and to be honest I didn’t expect my internal response to be what it was. The longer I stewed about it, the more I realized I had messed up. I was in the wrong. 

It’s funny because I knew I was going to mess it up. Not projecting or self fulfilling prophecy but out of fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of abandonment. I push away. It’s painful to live that way. I think when you’ve lived like that (or any other unhealthy way) with any particular habits/ defense mechanisms, they become natural like a third arm you’ve grown used to. 

Its painful when you make a mistake and you realize you are interested in someone and push them away out of fear. Especially when they’ve done things right, and you think if I was a normal human being allow it to flow it’s course, but no. It’s not a fun feeling. It’s eye opening. It’s not okay to treat someone a certain way nor should they put up with people who do.  I guess you start to learn signs that start to signal your own weaknesses so you can stop them. Work on the places that are no longer serving you. 

Learning to pay attention, when pushing away has been your weapon of choice. It’s hard to learn how to let people in. 

I guess you have to learn, and go on. It’s funny how emotional some things can be when you didn’t even know you cared? Nor does it make sense? It’s okay. Happy Sunday. 

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