I don’t know about you but lately I have been struggling with insecurity and doubt. I am in grad school and am three classes deep. That might not mean much to you but I’m going on about sixteen weeks of intense studying, and the challenging part is this will continue for about two years minus a glorious break in the wintery month of December. I was called on in the other day, the first of my peers, the first class, and a classmate later on in conversation described my face like a deer in headlights, shame washed over me. I am not completely confident in accounting and out of all the people to call on, the professor called on me.
In NY, I always believed people could smell not being confident. I would get haggled and asked for money more when I wasn’t feeling on top of my game. It was an energy. As I sit in this class, and really all summer doing school work, I think what if they find out I’m not really smart, or that I am not I’m not capable of doing this. What if they find out who I truly am? Why do I feel like I’m drowning? None of which are true, but in moments of uncertainty and insecurity, lies can deafen truth, fear can stifle Gods word, what it says about you. I have to remember my identity in this season and that I am a child of God. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am the head and not the tail, if God has called me to it, He will finish the work to completion. In my heart of hearts, I know God has called me to lead in the business world. I am feeling highly unqualified, much like Moses, Lord I can’t speak well. Are you sure you want me? I got a D in almost every math class I’ve ever taken but you are calling me to economics. Okay Lord. I am not great with numbers, but you are calling me to accounting, okay Lord. I am not crazy about technology, but you are calling me to take computer sciences okay Lord. Every single person in my class has worked in far more qualified career fields and I feel grossly inadequate. Okay Lord. I will be obedient. God knows what he is doing.