5 Things I Learned While Dating a Psychopath

1. Focus.  Psychopaths go after what they want. The person I dated went after what he wanted.  He pursued hard.  He was funny, entertaining charming.  Obviously, his dark, chameleon-like side emerged later on but if I had wanted to see it, the dark-side was there.  I spotted his red flags during the first several encounters, but he persuaded me to see the false, presentable self. He’s an actor, his second job is pursuing multiple women and courting one while hustling other women. Making the main woman see that he is worthy of her time, attention, and affection by clouting the other’s around in light banter and conversation acknowledging their existence while glorifying himself.

I say focus because being focused is a notable trait.  Those who are not psychopaths are often stopped by fear or what others may think, or distraction, or self-doubt.  Tap into what you want, something that is whole and desirable and get after it.  Discipline and focus used wisely and honorably is a good thing. He focused on women, I suggest focus on your calling, gifts, time and talent and make the use of something great in your life and run after that.              

2. Conscious Mirroring. He used a technique called mirroring while dating.  He mimicked my body language, my dress.  His mannerisms mirrored mine; how I spoke, the tone and language of my vernacular.  Extracurricular activities ensued, he volunteered, he worked out, even ceasing drinking for a while.  This is what allows psychopaths to squirm their way into their prey’s lives.

While out one night, he turned to me, and said, “I’ve never felt this way before.” He repeated this, throughout the deceptive journey. “I haven’t felt this connected to someone.”  Of course, this was luring and charming especially when having a glass of champagne and dancing the night away, but I fell for it.  Hear me on this-  it didn’t feel right, it didn’t land well but he could read me by making me feel special and seen. He always paid attention, reading my facial expressions. Psychopaths are always always always watching. Mirroring is great for building relationships, rapport, and ultimately winning a deal or a negotiation.

3. Never go to someone’s home without a gift. Yes, this was truly his motto.  It was a crowd-pleaser.  People loved this, well-received, it was thoughtful; the gift honored the recipient and it created this beautiful energy of appreciation. It was his staple trait. Psychopaths are purely for self. This act was never for others it was only for himself and how it made him feel. Hospitality and being able to honor the host is a beautiful thing.

4. Mind over Matter. One time while leaving a restaurant, I told this person, I felt nervous because I had taken a shot of tequila, it had also been like two hours and I had a fully belly but I was worried. I swerve sober. He said something I will never forget after telling him about my fear- “WHAT SHOT?”  He didn’t try and convince me of don’t worry you’ll be fine, or you didn’t drink too much, he just said, “WHAT SHOT,” as if to tell me, train your brain to not think you even had anything to drink. If you were to get pulled over, your mind would have been trained already to think, what shot, there was no shot.  This is lying but pathological lying is how he operates. At the time I didn’t realize he was a psychopathically-oriented and operated.  My takeaway at the time was his ability to convince even himself he hadn’t done something, rather curious…

I am not advocating lying but a principle I could take away from this experience was the mind control or the ability to convince your mind it is capable of doing something.  Like cross-training, or getting an A on a Calc test, or losing 50 pounds or meeting Oprah or whatever it is we normal people always tell ourselves we can’t do. Basically, the takeaway – I think I can, I think I can.  Whatever you set your mind on, you can do.  Believe in yourself by telling your mind that you are capable of just about anything that is holy, pure, and righteous you can do it.  Believe. Believe.

 5. Be confident.  He exudes confidence, although inwardly, he carries a lot of self-doubts, shame and insecurity.  The confidence is superficial as it disguises all the heaviness he embodies.  Perhaps because of his career or whatever other reason he has convinced people that he is “great.”However, confidence is still exuded and believed by unsuspecting creatures.

  I might be the exact opposite, a little less confident, I talk myself out of things.  I don’t feel worthy of things.  The confidence he exuded was attractive. I changed my behavior and other characteristics during the process, but at the end of the madness, I became very tired of trying to be perfect all the time.  I did take away from all of the crazy, to honor and love myself.  Confidence is just clothed on me instead of having to manufacture something to make people believe something about me. I can’t imagine having to live my life knowing I hurt people every hour, on purpose. Again, he doesn’t care only about ego, reputation, what people think of him. Character always supersedes reputation.

Be confident in who you are and who you are created to be.  God always provides a way out of a situation. God is a God of strategy, don’t forget that. God says I am enough, and he will give me the strength and confidence. And that’s that.

 I think the caveat to this whole endeavor is there are always black swans. Outliers.  People that seem crazy but are in fact not.  On the other hand, some may seem very normal, put together, are well-off, likeable but are PSYCHOPATHS. They may give off these vibes, even dress the part, but they are NOT who they say they are.

 Psychopaths are not the crazy killers that are often portrayed in the news like Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy, they are these rare individuals who are your control freak neighbor that has the perfect wife, you find snipping grass on a Tuesday at 4PM or a CFO. You would hear them tell their potential boss they want their job during the hiring interview.  

 They are charming, witty, can win the room faster than you can sneeze, your family gets a vibe, but they say it’s hard to read him because there’s nothing there, nothing to read.  They are cold calculated people working to seduce, manipulate, and ruin your life. They work hard at their second job, they are experts at this, they get off on hurting people, keeping them around, like a wounded animal, multiplying their stash of women (and men) to satisfy their hunger, their emptiness. All this manipulated in your “courtship,”  when a man like this, dates, it is a game. BEWARE. It’s always a game. It’s his game and when you don’t play by his rules, or you “cut him down” by telling the truth, he shies away and pursues the other 4-8 women he’s already got in the queue. Leaving them out to dry. Coming back when the meat has been picked off the other victims.

 I say this with the hope that if you were to meet a man who gives you red flags, charms you into thinking he isn’t so bad, even if he isn’t that attractive to you and begins to spin your world around so fast you have no time to think or breathe and when you question his motives, you are the enemy- run… Run for your life.




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